On Blessings & Sacrifices

This was week 1 back on the job for my internship at Alternatives for Girls in downtown Detroit. We started our first week of the Rise n’ Shine summer day camp at the organization. So Tuesday morning at 9AM, I walked into a room with 40 bright-eyed and bushy-tailed girls between the ages of 7 and 14 ready for their month of summer camp. I spoke with my supervisor to learn that I was in charge of doing reading assessments with all the girls. This sounded fun – I love reading, and I love kids books, so it sounded like a great way to spend my day.

Fast forward to four hours later when I had heard the same ten-page passage from a book about pigs that could talk read to me at least 12 times, and I was not feeling as into it as I was at the beginning of the day. I drove home that afternoon thinking a lot about my privilege. So many of these girls (of all ages) were struggling to read books at their grade level. This broke my heart – I was a reader as a child. I read several steps above my grade level and tore through novel upon novel by age nine. This is not the first time this internship has caused me to take a step back and reflect on the privilege that I have. I feel so blessed to have parents who encouraged my love of stories and taught me how to read at such a young age.

The next day, we had the first day of programming at the camp. The first half of the day, I was trained in typing up case notes. (It’s not as fun as it sounds). It’s monotonous, but seeing that side of social work was really great. Sometimes I would be working in the field and think “Wow, is it always this fun? I’m going swimming and it’s being called work.” No, it’s not. There’s a lot of paperwork and planning that goes into the work that we do. I am really excited to see more of what there is to do as a social worker in this type of work.

That afternoon, I helped to lead the first literacy workshop with the 12-14 year old girls for the summer camp. We will be focusing a lot on the importance of words, literature and inclusive language. I am very much looking forward to hearing what the girls have to say.

Yesterday was the third day of the camp and the last day for this week. We took our first field trip. [We go on field trips to places around the Detroit area every Thursday in July]. This week we went to a waterpark in Oakland County. This was simultaneously very fun and very stressful. Each staff member was assigned two or three girls to supervise during the day. I had three precious little nine year olds who dragged me straight to the water slides within 10 seconds of being in the gates. The day was hot and we did everything about 23 times just to make sure we got the full experience. Sounds fun, right? Okay, now try being in a wave pool with three 9-year-old girls who can’t swim. Now it’s getting fun stressful. I wanted to get out of the wave pool after one insanely nerve-wracking 10 minutes of huge waves, but those three chicas did not. So we stayed – for hours. So here’s that one other thing I’ve learned about Social Work time and time again – sacrifice. Whether that’s the getting up at 7am so I can get all the way to Detroit every morning, or typing up case notes for 4 hours, or spending four hours straight in a wave pool trying to make sure these kids don’t drown – the sacrifices make it worth it. The hours and endless tasks are worth it when you see the girls’ faces light up when you walk in the door. It’s worth it when you’re leaving at the end of the day and a 12-year-old who is just too cool for school makes sure to ask, “Miss Sydney, I’ll see you next week, right?”

This opportunity has given me a chance to see these girls’ lives. I am so honored to be a part of their story, and that is what working in this field means to me – having the privilege of being a part of someone else’s story. I am so excited for my next few weeks of Rise n Shine, more sunburns and teaching girls about how I grew up without a basement.

“It’s a privilege to be able to bear witness to someone’s story when they may not have had the chance to tell it before.” – Lindy Alexander

Dancing and Delight

My first month of my internship at Alternatives for Girls has flown by, and I can’t even begin to think of everything I’ve learned, felt and experienced over the past four weeks. This past Wednesday was the last day of after-school programming at AFG. As I mentioned in previous posts, our middle school group had been working on their indigenous dances for the final performance.

So last Tuesday, they rehearsed one last time for several hours, trying to get every step right. Then came the day we had been waiting for! When I walked into the main room during the typical homework time, it was full of giggling and animated chatter – excitement echoing off every wall. The little girls were going to be making ice cream to sell to the parents and guests, donating the profits to homeless in the community.

*

The middle school girls gathered in the VCR Room in the back, having their hair and makeup done by professionals. I sat in the corner “supervising,” and taking in the emotions surrounding me. I watched one girl bounce up and down in the chair as she waited to get her makeup done. Another girl stood in the corner wearing the authentic blouse and skirt she had been chosen to wear, beaming from ear to ear. A particularly quiet young woman sat getting her hair done, looking more confident than I’d ever seen her before.

*

Before we knew it, it was time for the girls to perform their first dance. I stood in the back and teared up as they danced the steps they had practiced for so many weeks. The parents were holding up iPhones and cameras trying to catch photos of their beautiful daughters being incredible. It’s been a really incredible month, and I am so excited to accompany the middle school girls on some field trips and college visits during the month of June. We will be preparing for our summer camp starting in July, so I have a lot of fun ahead of me!

(This is a precious card one of the middle schoolers made me on our last day. It was so, so sweet!

*censored for confidentiality purposes

 

 

From the mouths of babes…

Week 2 at my summer internship with Alternatives for Girls has come and gone, and I am feeling more comfortable at the organization. I have started to learn more of the girls’ names and I have been permanently placed with the middle school group, which helped the girls become better acquainted with me. I don’t even have to use a GPS anymore and feel so confident taking that exit to MLK Dr. even though I’ve only been driving here a few days for two weeks.

At AFG, the middle school girls know what Tuesdays mean – sex ed! Fun! Doing sex education with middle school girls and hearing their stories reminds me how important education like this is for young girls. All girls deserve to have someone that they can trust enough to openly ask these questions that people are not very open about.

My Wednesday consisted of mainly supervising the group as they continued to practice their Mexican indigenous dances for the group performance in a few weeks. The dances are really fun and seeing the girls so dedicated to getting the dances right is really adorable. I cannot wait to see the performance for their parents and families the first week of June.

Thursday afternoon, I showed up around 3:00 and helped one of the employees to prepare dinner for the girls. The program’s budget was running low and we scraped together everything left in the fridge to make goulash. I cut onions until I cried (which isn’t hard thanks to my stupidly sensitive eyes). I even cut tomatoes, which usually tends to make me want to barf. After helping to cook, I was sitting with some little girls helping them with their homework. We were chatting in Spanish about our pets and our days at school. A very tweet-able moment happened when one four-year-old told me my hair looked better last week than it did today. Thanks.

After dinner and homework, the middle school group did a workshop with reps from an organization called La Vida – they made large cubes that had wrongful stereotypes of girls written on the sides.

“You can’t play soccer.”

“Girls can’t play Minecraft.”

“You can’t like Star Wars. You’re a girl.”

“You have to wear a dress to school.”

On and on until the sides of all the cubes were written in with things they were told they couldn’t do all the time because of their sex. The girls lined up and took turns saying something they could do and threw the ball at the stack of cubes – knocking down the stereotypes metaphorically and literally.

We then went into another workshop as a group where we take turns sharing stories of times in our lives that we may have felt a lot of different feelings. The girls wanted me to go first, so I shared a story of a time someone I thought I was good friends with hurt me. The girls helped me pick different emotions that I was feeling at the time, and then when the workshop facilitator asked what the girls suggested I do about the situation, one eleven year old said, “You should get new friends. Those people don’t deserve your friendship anyway.” From the mouths of babes, as they say… this moment reminded me how absolutely thankful I am for my friends and how lucky I am to have people in my life who care so much about me and give me stories to tell when I have had such positive emotions.

I’m looking forward to going into our second to last week of after-school programming this week, and helping the staff to prepare for our summer Rise and Shine camp!

“Yes, I speak Spanish.”

 

This was my first week at my summer internship at Alternatives for Girls (AFG) in Detroit. AFG “helps homeless and high-risk girls and young women avoid violence, teen pregnancy and exploitation, and helps them to explore and access the support, resources and opportunities necessary to be safe, to grow strong and to make positive choices in their lives.” I am interning with the Prevention program at the organization, which serves girls ages 4-18 who are at risk of pregnancy, gang involvement, abusing drugs or alcohol and school truancy. We engage them through after-school programs, a teen leadership program, and a summer camp. In addition, I was lucky enough to receive a Internship Funding Grant from the Community Action and Social Change department in our School of Social Work for this experience. As a part of receiving this grant, I will be blogging about my experience weekly through the end of July.

My first week has been a whirlwind of a lot of names, activities, learning and smiles. I have worked with the elementary school girls and the middle school girls in the after school programming. My first day coming in, I was obviously very nervous in a room with a ton of people (and kids) I didn’t know. I wasn’t really sure what to do or how to get started. One little girl, Maria* showed up with her mom and started crying, not wanting to stay while her mom left. One volunteer was already trying to get her to come play with the other girls, but when I heard her mother speaking Spanish to her (the majority of the girls live in “Mexicantown” in Detroit and speak Spanish with their families at home and most speak Spanish in their classes at school), I decided to intervene and see if I could help. “Hola, chica. Me llamo Sydney. ¿Cómo te llamas?” Maria’s ears perked up at the sound of something she understood. “Estoy nerviosa también. Este es mi primer dia aquí. ¿Quieres colorear conmigo?” She nodded and I brought her over to the table with some crayons and printed coloring sheets and we chatted about her school day while we colored together. Using my skills to make valuable connections has been such a great part of this experience so far.

Most of my time was spent helping with multiplication homework and herding little kids into rooms for arts and crafts and stories. We learned about animals this week – tigers, bunnies and butterflies. We had a few meltdowns over lost tiger tails and broken bunny ears, but all in all, we did pretty well with the elementary programming and I had a lot of fun.

There was a moment during craft time that I will really never forget. One girl, Olivia*, sitting next to me was talking to me about her week at school while we worked on our butterflies. After a few minutes, she told me that when she got home today she was going to see her dad. “He’s getting out of jail today!” she told me. “Well I’m very happy that you will get to be with your dad.” “He’s been in jail for six years and I missed him a lot every day.” – Now after jump starting my passion for social work in the justice system, working with juveniles, this conversation really hit home. An hour later, I got to watch eight-year-old Olivia run outside and hug her dad for the first time in six years. It was a really great feeling to experience that, and knowing that she trusted me enough (after meeting me less than an hour before) to share her feelings with me was really comforting.

Working with the middle schoolers was a little more in depth than the elementary school girls. My first day, we taught a sex ed lesson – talking about puberty (Oy vey!). I was so impressed with how mature the girls were and the really great questions that they asked. The next day, they were practicing their Mexican indigenous dance for their end of the year performance at the end of the month. They were really interested in learning, and that was really cool to see. Being the older sister of a middle schooler, I know that many kids that age wouldn’t think that was cool. These girls are already teaching me a lot about the culture of this city and just how to show compassion and I’ve only known them for three days.

*Names have been changed for confidentiality purposes.

for you:

You who works so hard but is never enough
This is for you.
You who fights every day
To live without any regrets
But just when you think
There’s nothing left to fight
The demons creep back up and
    Knock you down
    And scratch your heart
    Until it bleeds
               And bleeds
               And bleeds.
    Until your red turns to white
    And the white turns to gray.
And the gray is everything you are
And there seems to be no escape.
This is for you.

You who wakes up
And says “You can do it”
And paints a smile on your face
With bright pink lipstick
This is for you.
                  But the smile never reaches your eyes
                  And the happiness never reaches your heart
Because the demons are easier
And easier to hide.
This is for you.

And your mom doesn’t get it
When you start crying on the phone
Because you’re just so tired
No matter how much sleep you get
You’re just so tired
         Of feeling like a burden
         Of wanting to escape
         Of needing something more
              Than a painted on smile
              And a quick hug
              And popping the same three pills every morning.
       This is for you.

You who wants to change the world
  And doesn’t know how.
  This is for you.
You who needs a change
  But can’t seem to find it.
  This is for you.

You who sees that light in others
    But can’t find it in yourself.
This is for you:
Depression is not everything you are.
It is not a passing feeling
That is synonymous with “sad,”
But you will survive it because you are that strong.
And that incredible.
And that beautiful.
And you will see that light in yourself
Because you shine brighter than others
Because you are those bright rays
Peeking through the gray clouds after the storm.
And we are here for you.
We are all here for you.
We are all here with you.
Right by your side.
And this – this is for you.


Featured image from photographer Christian Hopkins, 16.

 

Looking back on the year

And with that last Canvas submission I have completed my junior year of my undergraduate career. Recently I have been really, really scared. “The real world” is right around the corner, and I have very little confidence in the direction my life is headed. But on top of being scared, I have also been thinking a lot about how amazing this past year has been. A lot of things happened. Some were good, some bad – some amazing.

If you’ve ever read my blog posts or seen my Facebook or talked to me for more than like 20 seconds, I have most likely talked about Camp Kesem in some way or another. Have I tried to get you to donate? Probably. I am rounding out my second year as a Development Coordinator for Camp Kesem at UofM this summer, and it has been a wild and rewarding ride. As of last weekend, we have raised over $100,000 for camp this summer. That is almost all of our 210 campers, and it’s only April.

I’ve met truly met my people through this organization. Like classic Grey’s Anatomy “my person” type of person, except there’s several of them and I cannot be more thankful that I have these incredible humans to travel the rest of my crazy life journey with by my side.

We’ve had our up’s and down’s this year. There were so many successes that came along with their fair share of failures. There were tears. There was laughter. There was love and loss – but I wouldn’t choose anyone else to go through all of this with. I know for sure that no matter where I end up after graduation next May, I will always look back on this incredible group of people as my people and the most inspiring and loving human beings. Thank you for teaching me what I am worth. Thank you for loving me and teaching me how to love.

I really began to find my passions this year. I served as a group leader for a course called Project Outreach in the Psychology department where I spent my second semester in a row going to Monroe County Youth Center every week to lead art workshops for the juveniles in detention there. From this course, I received an internship with the Washtenaw County Juvenile Court and spent this past semester helping to start a creative arts workshop for the juveniles on probation in this county as well as working alongside probation officers in the sexual offender treatment program at the court. I can really see myself doing this kind of work for the rest of my life, and that is the most confident I have ever felt in anything about my career probably ever.

In addition to all of this, I have traveled to some pretty amazing places this year. I spent a month traveling around Europe with two of my best friends. We visited 9 different countries in less than 29 days, and it was absolutely incredible. We had a bonfire in a valley town in the Swiss Alps. We swam in the Italian Riviera in the most picturesque coastline towns in Italy. We picnicked with wine and baguette sandwiches under the lights of the Eiffel Tower. We casually saw the Queen and the Royal Family on the balcony of Buckingham Palace. We learned how to make sangria and Paella in Barcelona. It was the most amazing month, and I still talk about it almost every day.

I spent a pretty awesome week on a cruise with my family and my grandparents in the Caribbean. We zip lined over a water park in Costa Maya. We swam with dolphins in Cozumel. My dad, sister and I spent a way too long day shopping in Belize City. I practiced my Spanish to perfection after snorkeling all day in the Mesoamerican Barrier Reef (the largest Barrier Reef system in the world)!

I took a cross-country road trip with my best friend and showed her everything from my home state. We ate so much food our stomachs were in so much pain. We drank hurricanes on Bourbon Street and Cajun danced our hearts away.

I could go on and on about the incredible things I’ve done this year, but most importantly, I have made new friends and traveled the world and learned to cope with loss and grow from it. I have learned so much about my abilities, my passions and myself as a person. I look forward to my summer – an internship at a really awesome Detroit-based organization and traveling the state with my friends. Cheers to another year of learning and loving and exploring!

50 Reasons to Stay Alive

 

Sometimes it’s hard. Struggling with depression and anxiety for years now has definitely dealt me my fair share of days that this is really hard – thinking of a reason to stay alive. The other night, I had one of those times, and the next day I saw a blog post of a list of reasons to stay alive. I loved that idea. What is worth staying alive for? Well, here’s my list.

1. Those times that you feel happy
2. Good days
3. Jumping in piles of fall leaves
4. Sand in between your toes
5. Watching waves roll over your feet at the beach
6. When your team wins a game
7. Big hugs
8. Cheek kisses
9. First kisses
10. Fridays!
11. Warm cups of tea
12. COFFEE EXISTS
13. Sundays that you spend the whole day in your PJs
14. Slumber parties (even when you’re in your 20’s)
15. Wine
16. Falling in love
17. Chocolate
18. When you get to spend the evening hanging out with friends
19. Setting goals
20. Achieving goals
21. Your favorite book
22. Finishing a really good book
23. BOOKS
24. Weddings
25. People have babies every day – that’s so cool! You can do that one day!
26. Smiling
27. Compliments
28. Traveling!
29. Bonfires on Winter nights
30. Music – music is awesome
31. Baby animals 
32. Pay day
33. PUPPIES
34. All the world you haven’t been to yet!
35. Pizza
36. Beautiful views
37. Doing something good for someone else
38. Trying something new
39. Crossing things off your bucket list!
40. Doing what you love
41. Finding peace in yourself – even if it’s just for a few minutes
42. Really deep breaths
43. Kicking an old habit
44. Seeing a new place
45. Fighting off those feelings
46. Loving yourself
47. The people you can be yourself around
48. Overcoming a fear
49. “I love you”
50. Surviving – You can do it.

Feeling like there’s no point to living sucks and I hate it every time I feel that way or I think that people I know and love feel that way sometimes. You can overcome depression. Because I read a quote once that reads, “Depression is also…smaller than you. Always it is smaller than you, even when it feels vast…It may be a dark cloud passing across the sky, but – if that is the metaphor – you are the sky.

You were there before it. And the cloud can’t exist without the sky, but the sky can exist without the cloud.”

 

 

On Beautifying my Heart

•ŸWherever you go, may people always recognize you have a beautiful heartŸ•

The other night I was at my friend’s house spending some nice, quiet quality time away from the hustle and bustle of finals and planning meetings and the constant moving that our lives have become. We were discussing our plans. She is graduating in a few weeks. I am moving into my final year of my undergraduate degree. Those constant questions of “so what are you going to do?” are coming from every direction. As an actual perpetrator of the situation, I asked her that exact question. And her answer started a conversation that made me so comfortable with my own answer – “I don’t really know.” I don’t really know and that’s okay.

We spoke of the world of opportunities sitting in front of us. And how we are not required to take one or the other. Referencing the quote above, I realize that I want to have a beautiful heart no matter what I do. This friend probably has one of the most beautiful hearts I know, and that is what I want. Whether I am in grad school, traveling the world, moving across the country or across the world – I want people to see my heart.

Yeah, I’m proficient in Microsoft Word and I can list all the jobs and responsibilities I’ve had, but what I want my coworkers, my friends, my clients, my dentist, and, hopefully, my children to see is my heart – that I love so deeply and so passionately. I want them to see that I am focused on loving and on the betterment of myself while bettering the lives of others. That is why I chose Social Work, after all. I can sincerely be the change that I want to see in the world by treating every person I come in contact with with respect, love and support.

There’s no need to plan out every detail of my future. A “Five Year Plan” is great in theory, but it will lead to disappointment or stress (or both). Yeah, I may end up in grad school after I graduate. I may take a year off. I may take a year in grad school. I may take two or more. I will do what I feel is best for me at the time, but through all of it, I will continue beautifying my heart – free it of stress and pain. Free it of the anger and burdens of the past. Because as my favorite singer, Taylor Swift, said, “And I now believe that walking through a lot of rainstorms gets you clean.”

Special shout-out to KitKat: I love you and our conversations, whether on your couch or under the stars in Fenton. You are forever beautiful and I am so blessed to call you a friend. ♥

 

Before you dream of me tonight

       You must know

       That I remember nearly everything

From your first name

       To the exact shade of brown

       Your hair is when the

       Sun touches it

I love and I smile

But I am not always

       This way

You must know that

       When I am with you

       I feel like myself

              But that I don’t know

              What I am completely

And you must know

       That I can give you

       All of me

But that you must

       Return the favor

              Before you dream of me tonight.

Inspired by Tarfia Faizullah 

Featured photo credit.

On why my kids will always have a pet

This past week, my dog [and best friend] of fifteen years passed away. Since then, I’ve been reflecting a lot on how having pets have affected my life. Sometimes when I need a good smile (or cry) I’ll look up videos of service dogs helping their owners. It always amazed me how amazing animals could be.

When I was really upset the day I found out my dog passed, my friend reminded me of something I had heard before. “Every one is born so that they can learn how to live a good life – like loving everybody and being nice, right? Well, animals already know how to do that, so they don’t have to stay as long.” It’s cheesy – but it’s true.

Dogs have been in my life for as long as I can remember. I always remember dogs running around and laying on the couch growing up. Savannah is definitely the most memorable of the many. It had been a little while since our two dogs had grown old and passed away, and our parents were finally ready to get another dog (because the house was just too quiet and lonely). So we went to the Humane Society in Charlotte with two rules: 1. Not a big dog 2. Not a dog that sheds. We came out with a black lab/Chow Chow mix – large and very furry.

Sorry, Dad. It was fate. I remember perfectly my brother and I running from cage trying to narrow down the choices and the precise moment we saw her for the first time. A volunteer at the shelter had just given her a bath and let us pet her while she was in her arms. We fell in love instantly. She was immediately the best friend I could ask for.

Over the next 15 years, as I grew up through the bad middle school haircuts and the broken hearts and the various phases, she was right there by my side. I could not have made it through those terrible years of my depression eating at my emotions. I would not have been able to get up in the mornings without her nose in my face. I would not have been able to fall asleep not crying without her furry butt cuddled up next to me.

 

Choosing to leave the state for college was hard enough to do already, but knowing she didn’t know where I’d be disappearing to made it so much worse. I remember squeezing her so tight before I got into the car for the slowest four months of my life. That first reunion was so, so joyful and I constantly teased my parents about how it was fine to see them, but I really came back for the pup.

 

The great thing about dogs is that they never seem to remember if you did anything wrong. No matter what happened at school or work, I always knew I could come home to someone who loved me no matter what I did. I read this article earlier this morning (and obviously bawled like I was watching The Fox and the Hound), but it reminded me of the way she would look at me. The great thing about dogs is that they can teach you so much by not trying to teach you anything. The great thing about dogs is that they appreciate everything you do so much. The greatest thing about dogs is that they never leave your side.

And that is why my kids will have dogs. My kids will learn to love and be loved by someone who is not myself. I can’t promise that I will love perfectly. But a dog will love perfectly.

Savannah, I love you so, so much. You taught me that it’s okay to be upset, but that I always have people to love me. You taught me how strong I am and how much I have conquered and can conquer. It will continue to hurt me forever that I wasn’t there to kiss your face and scratch behind your ear (that little part that had the softest fur on your body) when you took your last breath. I will never stop loving you and I will always miss you. Rest easy, babe.